Running High

It's Thursday and I finally, Finally, Finally, squeezed in a run. 

It's been a long week.

But now I've taken my medicine and breathing is easier.

I've also been working on an essay, which has taken up a lot of my writing energy.  It's based on a previous blog post called What I'm Running From.  In a little over a week I'm taking it down to Portland to workshop with one of my favorite people in the whole world, a fantastic writer, and the funniest woman I know.  Hopefully when I'm there she'll let me take photos of her and post them on the blog.  You really should know who she is so that you can say you knew her when.

And this weekend I have a big bunch o' miles planned.  The first double digits in this training period.  And hallelujah I'm actually looking forward to it.

Hooray for a little running mojo.  Feels like the post half-marathon burnout is finally behind me. 

So for now I just have one question:

What are you running from?

[In the interest of full disclosure, I have to tell you that I have always failed Science.  Even in college, I got a D in Geology, the only science-related subject I was forced to take as a creative writing major.  So it's a wonder to me that now I'm married to a scientist and am completely fascinated by the subject. 

Unfortunately, because I have no real background in it, I'm prone to believing anything that sounds even remotely plausible written by anyone with even the slightest tone of authority.  These people, with their tone of authority and no real proof, are called quacks.  And I've bought their books, signed up for their programs, and joined their clubs.  Eventually, I do some research, and then turn to my Biochem PhD husband and say,

"Did you know there is almost no scientific evidence to back this stuff up?"

To which Biochem PhD husband replies,

"I'm not surprised."

Consider yourself warned.]

After reading Potatoes Not Prozac I was inspired to quit eating sugar.  And after the Big Bad Thing, I'm feeling a renewed committed to my health.  So I've decided it's time to curtail my sugar intake, into something that feels manageable.

I found a website, Stop Being Sweet, and it gives excellent advice on how to quit sugar sensibly.  Using it's suggestions, I've cut out most of the sugary stuff I was previously eating.  I've lost a couple pounds, feel better mentally, and am regaining a little control over my emotions.

It wasn't until last week that I really came to acknowledge how sugar is such a powerful drug.  Especially to someone with my brain chemistry.

Last week.  The continued aftermath of the Big Bad Thing.  It was probably a bad time to decide to quit sugar.  I also limited my caffeine intake.  I didn't run.

If Potatoes Not Prozac has reliable science, my brain was in a severe state of withdrawal from lots of good chemicals that keep it happy.  Coupled with the Big Bad Thing, this caused a major depressive episode.  And an almost complete lack of motivation.

Fast forward to this week, where I ran on Monday and started to emerge from the fog.  Yesterday I went to the park and ran 3.5 miles in 32 minutes and got high.  Crazy high.  SUPER CRAZY HIGH.  I felt better on that run than I've felt in weeks.  Months maybe.  Suddenly I wanted to run forever and never stop.  Some sort of adjustment in my brain receptors, between the sugar and the caffeine and the not running -- and then BAM, a huge hit of endorphins yesterday.  Super crazy high.

I had hoped to run 4.5 miles.  But at about 3 miles, in the middle of my crazy super high run, my brain told me to stop.  I really wanted to keep going, cause there was a lot of great stuff going on in my body and I had a goal of 4.5, but I only managed another half mile before I finally succumbed.  The high was over.  My brain went to sleep.  And I dragged myself back to my car.

As I walked back, I remembered reading a chapter in Marathon: You Can Do It! about blood sugar level (BSL) and motivation.  According to Galloway, when a runner's BSL is low they can "feel drowsy, lose focus, and be susceptible to quitting early."  He recommends snacking every 2 hours during the day, with each snack consisting of complex carbs, 15-25% protein, and 10-20% fat.  I was hungry when I started my run, as it was late in the afternoon and I hadn't eaten anything since lunch.  But I figured it was only a few miles, and I just wanted to get it done.

(Another reason to keep sugar out of the snack, when the BSL gets too high the body secretes insulin, which puts the BSL even lower than it was before.)

Here is the key paragraph:

A low BSL puts a major stress on your system and activates a stream of negative messages from the left side of your brain.  "Why am I doing this?" "Slow down and I'll feel better." "If I just stop, I'll feel great." You can often stop these messages completely within half an hour or less.  Just eat an energy bar or another energy-boosting snack, choosing foods that will regulate the rise of the BSL and keep it in bounds. 

Really truly amazing.  As a person who is sensitive to even minor chemical imbalances, this information is like gold to me.  I'm learning how to take control of my body, my brain, and fuel myself appropriately.  Is it possible I could actually get enough knowledge to someday erase my depressive episodes by using exercise and nutrition?  I believe it's possible. 

And now I sincerely wish I had paid attention in science class.  Since I didn't, I'll just have to keep haunting the library.  And continue to pester Biochem PhD husband.  (Probably a bit of both.)

Last week, I didn't run.  Not once.  I thought seriously of giving up the blog, forgetting the marathon, and running away to join the folk rock traveling freak show.  (Even if it existed I'm sure I would have trouble getting in, my admiration for Leonard Cohen notwithstanding.)

Instead I played music, struggled with a teething toddler, and entertained the idea of chucking it all.  Sleep wasn't happening (depression, insomnia, toddler) and neither was running.  But music was happening all over my brain, and still is.  Even right now I've got one eye on my computer screen and one on my guitar.

Honestly, though, last week was more painful than it needed to be.  I could've gone for a run and saved myself.  I could've stood up to it like a big girl and met it head on.  But instead I wallowed.  This is what I do when I'm sitting in a pile of pain that won't disappear.  I pick up my guitar and write songs about it and eventually force all my friends to listen.  It's not a bad method for coping, actually.  Except that it hurts.  A lot. 

I've also spent time with some very dear friends recently.  When I look into these people's eyes I see myself and remember who I am.  It's important to have people like this in life.  I'm blessed in this regard.  I have more than a handful, which is really quite a few.

And today, finally, I managed to get out of the house and run.  Not great, but good enough.  And things began to settle into place.

The fog is lifting.  More music is on the way.

The Jeff Galloway method.  I've been using it lately with good results.  I'm getting my miles in and not freaking out about the long runs.

And it's amazing, really, how much different I feel about long runs when I have built in walk breaks.  Psychologically, it's a completely new experience.

For one, I'm not pushing myself until I want to vomit.  There is less desperation about my long runs these days.  Less fear.   Instead of getting high I'm getting centered.  Calm.

And while this new method isn't easy--I'm still running after all--it feels almost peaceful.

No, not peaceful.  That's not the right word.

It feels kind.

I'm supposed to run 7 miles today.  But it's too hot outside and I'm too depressed.

Really, the truth is I've had a Big Bad Thing happen.  I won't go into detail, but it is one of those things that happens in life.  It didn't happen to me, but to someone I love.  And I'm too sad to motivate myself.  The heat is settling in now.  It's almost noon.  I've missed the cool morning air.  

The heat makes me grumpy.  And the Big Bad Thing has made me angry and confused and sad and overwhelmed and yucky.  Between those two I'm gonna go easy on myself.  Perhaps I'll make it to the gym and slog the 7 miles on the treadmill at some point.  Maybe this evening.

Tomorrow WD has a race.  So I could potentially squeeze in my miles after that.  Tomorrow is supposed to be cooler.

This is it for me today.  This is a low point.  This is how it goes when some Big Bad Thing happens.  My brain goes sideways and I cling to the basics.  And I take it one moment at a time.

I've been reading a book lately called Potatoes Not Prozac by Kathleen DesMaisons.  It explains the biochemistry that makes a person an addict.  How addicts are actually born with less beta-endorphins (BE) and serotonin.  These are the two chemicals that make a person happy, content, and self-controlled.

Because addicts naturally produce lower levels of these chemicals, more of our brain receptors open up to compensate.  So when an addict takes a drug or drink, our increased amount of receptors causes us to absorb a very high level of BE and serotonin.  Which is why we love it.  We've never felt so good.  And normal people (who aren't addicts) don't have the excess amount of open receptors, so they don't get the same high feeling.

Of course, then the addict brain begins to shut down the excess receptors.  This is called down-regulation.  So when we stop using our drug, we end up absorbing even less of the natural happy chemicals than we did before.  We end up needing to use the drug just to feel normal.  Eventually our brains will open up more receptors again (called up-regulation) but in the meantime, there is the painful and often unbearable experience of withdrawal.

(When I think of withdrawal, I hear Marlon Brando's voice in my head from the movie Apocalypse Now. "It's impossible for words to describe what is necessary to those who do not know what horror means. Horror has a face, and you must make a friend of horror. Horror and mortal terror are your friends.")

There are other things besides drugs and alcohol that make a person produce BE and serotonin.  Sugar, caffeine, tattoos, running.  You can see it making sense.

But eventually, like everything, they stop working.  This is the tragedy.  My brain gets adjusted to the level of BE I'm producing and begins to shut down my receptors.  So the high I used to get from running?  It's been eluding me for a while.  Not to say it's not worth it to run, but now it just makes me feel normal.

Though today, after the Big Bad Thing, I would give anything to feel normal.  This is the kind of sadness that can't be erased.  It can only be processed.

A run.  Some ice cream.  A good nap.  And time.

Damn it anyway, but often time is the only true healer.  And the most difficult to endure.

I'm sitting here in my living room listening to my 2 year old sing to himself.  It is one of the most beautiful sounds I've ever heard.  The sun is shining, I had a great weekend, and my runs have been going well.

The amount of time I spend masticating my own pain is a true luxury, considering how little I have to complain about.

So today I'm taking a moment to focus your attention on someone who needs real help.  A woman in Iran who would give anything to be with her children right now, in her home on a sunny day, listening to them sing.

I hope you can take a moment from your day to speak on her behalf.   Thank you.

***

The following first appeared on AskMoxie.org:

Sakineh Mohammadie Ashtiani, a 42-year-old mom of two in Iran, was arrested and convicted of adultery in 2006. At any minute they are going to bury her in a pit up to her chest and then stone her to death. They are going to use small stones, so they hurt and draw the process out as long as possible. You can read the whole story here at CNN.com.

The only way the Iranian authorities will stop this and not stone her to death is if the world calls them out. You can help.

1. Contact your elected officials and call their office. Give the person who answers your name and address and phone number and say "I'm asking [official's name] to condemn the Iranian government for its plan to stone to death a mother of two, Sakineh Mohammadie Ashtiani." To find your elected officials in the US, go to http://www.usa.gov/Contact/Elected.shtml. In Canada go to http://canada.gc.ca/directories-repertoires/direct-eng.html.

2. Pass it on. Link to this post and the story on any news outlets you can find. Post it on Twitter and Facebook, and email it to your friends and coworkers.

3. If you're on Twitter, tweet to the United Nations and ask them why they aren't stepping in to help. "@UN When will you intercede on behalf of #Ashtiani? http://bit.ly/bCeWGe" is all you need. (That links to a post about the stoning.)

Thank you.

Today's inspiration comes via RunCenter.

If you have a crush on Kara Goucher like I do you need to watch this video where she has a fake rivalry with Shalane Flanagan. Skip ahead to the 3 minute mark, approximately.

Click here to see "Shalane & Kara Speak Out"

It's hilarious. Especially Kara's parting words. And even though the video is a joke, I find both of these women (and their ability to laugh at themselves) truly inspiring.